I Almost Won The Nobel Peace Prize

This shall serve as my concession speech … for I have lost the Nobel Peace Prize. Of course, pundits will tell me that my chances would have dramatically improved had I placed my name in nomination, but I felt confident that someone would have nominated me without my knowledge.

I have outstanding qualifications. I voted in the last election, which is a clear demonstration of my commitment to democracy; I have historically supported the position that nuclear war would be a bad thing; and I have often openly wished for “peace on Earth, good will to men … and women” (so as to avoid any assertion of gender bias).

Alas, I have fallen to individuals who have a greater claim to recognition:

1. FIRST PLACE: President Barack Hussein Obama. In this particular case, it is appropriate to include the President’s middle name because part of the reasoning associated with awarding the Nobel Peace Prize to him was for his outreach to the Muslim community. The other foundation upon which the award was based was his “extraordinary” effort to promote world peace … in the form of a few of speeches. It has been speculated that yet a third reason exists: the Norwegian delegation’s overt effort to clarify that President Obama is, in fact, not George W. Bush. The latter qualification seems to have been a determinative characteristic shared by recent recipients, Jimmy Carter and Al Gore.

2. SECOND PLACE: President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Mah man,” as he’s affectionately known by his homies, finished a close second for several reasons. No one can deny his outreach to the Muslim community or his compelling commitment to democratic elections. He also has worked tirelessly to remove the unfair stigma that Germans carry for their efforts to achieve zero population growth back in the late 1930s through the mid-1940s. In addition, he is dedicated to alternative fuels and the possibility of using them to reshape the Middle East (particularly with regard to Israel’s general landscape). Given this record, it is easy to see why he was the committee’s second choice.

3. THIRD PLACE: Premier Kim Yong-il. Premier Yong (who is apparently “ill”) ran a strong third on two counts. First, he didn’t blow up any neighboring countries (this is always considered a “positive” in the deliberation of awarding the Peace Prize). Second, he demonstrated great humanitarianism by releasing those two hostile, subversive reporters who stepped over the imaginary line that separates countries (but, hey, it does show up on maps … so, they should have known better). Personally, I reserve some degree of doubt that these young women were really spies because they work for former Nobel Peace Prize winner, Al Gore. Then again, Premier Yung-il wouldn’t have detained them unless he believed in his heart that they posed a serious and imminent threat to his country.

4. FOURTH PLACE: Commander in Chief and Chairman of the Revolutionary Command Council, Muammar al-Qaddafi. Who can forget his unusual speaking skills and penchant for organizing his thoughts in a unique way as demonstrated by his recent speech at the United Nations? His call for equality among all nations is clearly a call for peace. His appeal to distribute voting power uniformly among U.N. Members while redistributing the wealth (i.e., having wealthier countries carry a disproportionate burden with regard to providing money and resources) is reminiscent of the winner himself. Beyond that, he has exhibited an exceptional lack of hubris as manifest by his reticence to promote his rank beyond that of Colonel (although he does tend to “sport” a lot of fake military decorations when he’s not wearing his snappy robe). Why, the man doesn’t even use the expected “U” after the “Q” in his surname for fear that it would be interpreted in the “text” sense of “You” and thereby draw further unwanted attention to him. Now, that’s humility at its finest!

5. FIFTH PLACE: Rodney King. Who can forget his memorable quote, “Why can’t we all just get along?” Frankly, this may be one of the most concise commitments to world peace that has ever been uttered. It goes directly to the core. “Why can’t we all just get along?” Need more be said? For simplicity and eloquence, he has my vote.

Given the talent I was up against, I guess I should curb my disappointment.

I can understand why George W. Bush wouldn’t be considered for trying to remove tyranny, stopping genocide, and reducing AIDS in Africa … after all, he’s George W. Bush. I do think Ronald Reagan deserved consideration during his lifetime given the fact that he actually did negotiate a nuclear non-proliferation agreement and was successful in his quest to have the Berlin Wall torn down … but then again, he wasn’t into social reengineering.

The person I most feel sorry for is Bill Clinton. I mean, how must he feel? President Obama is only in office 12 days before receiving a nomination, yet Bill Clinton remains unrecognized. It must really gall him to know that even Al Gore won the award before him. We can only hope it will be co-awarded to Hillary and him someday in the future (so as not to create any marital disharmony within that idyllic union).

Yes, I feel better now. I no longer feel that I was unjustly forsaken. If I ever do win the Nobel Peace Prize, rest assured, I will be “surprised and deeply humbled” like President Obama. In fact, I think I will donate the monetary award to a veterans’ group since, realistically, they have taken more risk and contributed more directly to world peace than my rhetoric ever will.

Wish me luck next year … and please, someone, place my name in nomination.

*****

2009 © Dr. T.J. O'Hara