The Common Sense Czar

I was going to write a blog entitled “State of the Union” … but I thought it might be too depressing. Instead, I thought I’d take a positive approach and suggest a solution to some of our current challenges: appoint me as the new “Common Sense Czar.” After all, we already have more than 30 other Czars … so, what’s the big deal in adding one more?

With all due respect to Thomas Paine, author of Common Sense, I think I deserve the job. Besides, Thomas Paine has been dead for over 200 years … even though he’s still registered to vote in three States according to Acorn.

Being a Czar is really cool. Unlike politicians, you don’t have to have to raise money to run; you generally don’t have to be vetted in any particularly rigorous way; you’re not responsible to the citizens of the United States; you have reasonably unbridled authority; and you get to be called “Czar!”

So, what would my responsibilities be as Common Sense Czar? Essentially, I would be expected to apply common sense to the issues of the day; something that has been missing in our Nation’s capital for quite some time. I’d take on Healthcare, our missions overseas, terrorism, etc. … but first, I’d apply common sense to help rationalize the glut of Czars we already have. Here’s a list I found that may be a bit dated but at least gives you an idea of who’s on the team.

Guantanamo Closure Czar

TARP Czar

Stimulus Accountability Czar

Government Performance Czar

Afghanistan Czar

Sudan Czar

Mideast Peace Czar

Central Region Czar

Terrorism Czar

Weapons Czar

WMD Policy Czar

Intelligence Czar

Border Czar

Domestic Violence Czar

Drug Czar

Great Lakes Czar

California Water Czar

Climate Czar

Energy and Environment Czar

Green Jobs Czar

Economic Czar

Regulatory Czar

Pay Czar

Car Czar

Auto Recovery Czar

Science Czar

Technology Czar

Information Czar

AIDS Czar

Health Czar

Urban Affairs Czar

Faith-Based Czar

It’s tough to know your Czars without a scorecard. I can hear it now: “Playing left field and batting ninth, Number 17, Guantanamo Closure Czar, Daniel Fried.” I want to give Mr. Fried special recognition because, if he’s successful, he won’t have a job. Luckily for him, he hasn’t made much progress on the Executive Order issued by President Obama on January 22, 2009, to close Gitmo “no later than one year from now” to quote the President. If and when Czar Fried is successful, maybe he can be reappointed Unemployment Czar. After all, our number of unemployed citizens is starting to approach the population of our illegal aliens ... a group which seems to be getting far more positive political attention. It must have something to do with critical mass.

Another couple of “fried” Czars would seem to be the TARP Czar and the Stimulus Accountability Czar. On February 25, 2009, just eight days after signing the $787-billion dollar economic stimulus package, President Obama stated that he was putting Vice President Joe Biden in charge of the "tough, unprecedented oversight effort" of the fiscal stimulus plan "because nobody messes with Joe." I can’t imagine why we would need these two Czars if Vice President Biden has everything under control.

Jeffrey Zients’ role would seem to be in jeopardy as well. After all, he’s the Government Performance Czar. Given our Government’s performance in recent years, I can’t even imagine someone making a case to keep him.

Come to think of it, I could probably replace all of the Czars. Let’s think through this together!

Afghanistan and the Sudan are independent countries. If we have military or humanitarian initiatives in any country, it is Congress’ responsibility to address the issues. We don’t need Czars for these specific countries. After all, if we’re going to appoint a Czar for a particular country, why not start with Russia? They’re used to it.

Then, we’ve got the Mideast Peace Czar. Talk about a dead-end job! These countries have been fighting for over 2,000 years. What are the odds that a political appointee in the United States will be able to resolve their differences? That’s one more position we can eliminate. And while we’re at it, let’s eliminate the Central Region Czar who is responsible for our policies in, you guessed it, the same part of the world; needless duplication. Gone!

While we’re on the subject, we presently have a Terrorist Czar. No, not Bill Ayres (although he might be a good choice under the assumption that “it takes one to know one”) … a fellow named John Brennan. This is the same John Brennan who allegedly nixed a plan to kill or capture Osama bin Laden back in 1998. Way to establish job security! Eliminating this position shouldn’t exactly create a void.

Staying with the terrorist theme for a moment, I see we have a Weapons Czar and a WMD Policy Czar. Why differentiate? If the Weapons Czar only tackles issues of conventional weaponry (like sling-shots), we don’t need him. If there really are “no weapons of mass destruction,” we don’t need the WMD Policy Czar either. Assuming for the moment that weapons of mass destruction are not just a figment of former President Bush’s imagination, I’ll establish the policy. Weapons of mass destruction are bad things; particularly in the hands of unstable people. There you have it … a common sense policy and two more positions eliminated.

Along these same lines, we have an Intelligence Czar. Let’s just agree that it’s an obvious oxymoron and eliminate the position to stop the snickering!

We have a Border Czar to protect us from illegal immigration. If you call this Czar’s office, press 1 for English, press 2 for Spanish, press 3 for Tagalog, press 4 for Farsi, press 5 for … well, you get the picture. Applying common sense: we have immigration laws in place. Enforce them! One more position eliminated.

This same solution can be applied to two more positions: Domestic Violence Czar and Drug Czar. Common sense tells us that domestic violence and the illegal use of drugs is bad. We have laws in place against both negative behaviors. Enforce them! That gets rid of those two Czars.

Next, we have a few positions tied to specific locations within our country. We have a Great Lakes Czar. I’ve been to the Lakes. They’re indeed “Great.” That should cover it. Position eliminated!

We also have a California Water Czar … as if there aren’t any other problems in the state. Interestingly enough, this particular one is man-made. Last year, California and the surrounding states enjoyed record snowfalls, which created an abundance of water. However in 2007, a federal judge ruled that endangered smelt might get caught in the pumps. So, the pumps were ordered to be shut down to preserve the habitat for the tiny silver fish. As a result, taxpayers from San Diego to San Jose have been placed on water allocation and have suffered significant rate hikes; farmers have been threatened with foreclosures and bankruptcies because they can’t irrigate their crops; but I’m happy to say that the smelt are enjoying living their lives and being eaten by natural predators. I apologize in advance to environmentalists, but there comes a time when common sense must intervene. So, I say open the pumps, restore the agrarian economy, fish fry at my house, and eliminate this position.

Since, I’ve already offended my fellow environmentalists, let’s take a look at three other unnecessary positions: Climate Czar, Energy and Environment Czar, and Green Jobs Czar. If we accept the premise of global warming established by world-renowned scientist and inventor of the Internet, Al Gore, climate would seem to be a legitimate issue. Luckily, the federal and state governments have authority to create laws that make us better “citizens” of the planet. Unfortunately, we have no authority to legislate what China, India and the rest of the world do. So, the Climate Czar can step down.

Similarly, we don’t have a need for an Energy and Environment Czar. The environmental element is repetitive and, as for energy, I can set the policy: eliminate our dependence on foreign oil; cultivate our natural resources in a responsible way (which doesn’t mean “rape the earth” any more than it means that accessing them will destroy the world as we know it); and develop new and better alternative fuels.

This brings us to the Green Job Czar, but I need not address this one. Apparently, the White House has already excused him when it was discovered that he took the whole Czar thing a little too literally and pledged allegiance to Stalin.

Speaking of jobs, I find it interesting that we don’t have a Jobs Czar. No problem … I can handle it. We do have an Economic Czar, so maybe there’s some overlap. Paul Volcker headed the Federal Reserve during the latter stages of the Carter Administration and through the Reagan years. The good news is that he is credited with helping our Nation overcome “stagflation.” The bad news is that he did it by raising the prime lending rate to 21.5% and driving the economy into a deep recession that created a level of unemployment not seen since the Great Depression. I’m eliminating his position because we’re already there when it comes to creating a recession and experiencing an untenable level of unemployment.

Corresponding, I’m going to eliminate the Regulatory Czar. I’ve soured on the self-righteousness of our regulatory agencies ever since the “anointed one,” Eliot Spitzer, prostituted his position as Governor of New York after ruling herd over the bastions of Wall Street. I’ll only reconsider if Bernie Madoff gets an early parole and assumes the role of Frank Abagnale, Jr. (I hope that reference isn’t too esoteric). Besides, the current Regulatory Czar apparently wants to “regulate” everything including “free speech” (of which I am obviously a fan). Cass Sunstein thinks that conspiracy theories should be taxed or censored and numbers among them the theory that “global warming” may be a deliberate fraud. He also wants to lobby for the right for animals to bring lawsuits. This would give even more power to the ACLU (America’s Crappy Lawyers Union) to bring “udderly” worthless lawsuits on behalf of sacred cows; barring them from grazing on government property as a violation of the separation church and state. Gone!

We also have a Pay Czar. This is the individual who, like the Regulatory Czar, remains ever vigilant over those fat-cat CEOs in high-profile industries we all love to hate. However, I can’t help noticing that he hasn’t imposed any restrictions on the compensation of the executives at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who have almost single-handedly destroyed the economy. I also don’t recall seeing any “smack downs” of the union officials who can consistently deliver political votes in volume. Common sense tells me he has to go!

While we’re talking about unions, I feel compelled to point out that we have two Czars for the automotive industry: a Car Czar and an Auto Recovery Czar. By now, you know how I feel about redundancy. I’m not sure what either does, but I’m sure we don’t need two. Under the Car Czar’s guidance, both General Motors and Chrysler have gone bankrupt. Since I’m reasonably confident they could have accomplished that without him, his position is being eliminated. As for the Auto Recovery Czar, I’m not sure if he’s vested with the responsibility to help the automotive industry "recover" from the bankruptcies the Car Czar has overseen, or if his responsibility is to "recover" the taxpayer dollars that have been funneled into the industry without any noticeable results. Once again, this is a position we can safely eliminate.

Moving along into the vital science, technology and information sectors, I am happy to say we have a Czar for each one. Our Science Czar is a top-flight academic, which means that common sense isn’t a part of his world. He once proffered the idea of forced abortions, "compulsory sterilization," and the creation of a "Planetary Regime" to control human population and natural resources to save the Earth. “Earth to Science Czar,” I’ll only consider keeping you if the “compulsory sterilization” idea begins with Members of our current Congress.

Our Technology Czar and Information Czar are good friends. Together, they will lead the evolution of Information Technology within our government. You guessed it … I see this as redundant. Given that the Information Czar came first and brought the technology Czar on board, I’ve got to give the nod to him. Unfortunately, he’s been linked to hiring individuals with criminal records to protect our information. Since I’d hate to break up a team, they both have to go.

With healthcare reform on the forefront, we have two Czars that touch upon it: an AIDS Czar and a Health Czar. The AIDS Czar can go. AIDS is a disease. Other than its associated political capital, it does not rank in the top ten causes of death in the United States (which are (1) Heart Disease; (2) Cancer ; (3) Stroke; (4) Chronic Lower Respiratory Diseases; (5) Accidents (unintentional injuries); (6) Diabetes; (7) Alzheimer's disease; (8) Influenza and Pneumonia; (9) Nephritis, Nephrotic Syndrome, and Nephrosis; and (10) Septicemia. Sorry, but until the Top Ten have their own Czar, AIDS doesn’t merit one. Because the Health Czar hasn’t had the common sense to recognize this either, she’s gone too!

I’m sad to report that we have a comparatively unaccomplished Urban Affairs Czar. Why settle? This is America. We have John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford and, most recently, Tiger Woods. Now, these men clearly know how to have urban affairs! If none of them will step up to embrace their civic duty, let’s just eliminate this position.

This brings me to the final Czar I will discuss: the Faith-Based Czar. I can’t imagine why the ACLU has not attacked this position with its normal zeal. The issue would seem to be obvious. Maybe it’s Devine intervention. If that’s the case, my common sense says not to “mess” with this one. I’ll hedge my long-term bet and let this one stay.

So there you have it: it’s just the Faith-Based Czar and me.

NEXT BLOG: The Common Sense Czar addresses Terrorism and Healthcare Reform (just try to tell them apart)

2010 © Dr. T.J. O’Hara. To support viral distribution, this article may be copied, reprinted, forwarded, linked, or published in any form as long as proper attribution is given to the author.