My apologies for not having written anything last week, but I was in the midst of a book tour that ended in Washington, D.C. the day after the mid-term elections. Let the record show that I flew into D.C. on October 31st from my tour in Ohio, and the President flew to Ohio that same morning … probably to repair any damage I may have done from his perspective. Luckily for me, he doesn’t have to fly commercial, which allowed him to return D.C. that same day.
I say “luckily for me” because I was determined to trick-or-treat the White House that evening … both to celebrate Halloween and to test the effectiveness of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (i.e., the Stimulus Bill). How, you may ask, would “trick-or-treating” the White House provide insight to our Nation’s economic recovery? Well, I figured if the President was passing out the BIG candy bars, it would be a clear indication that our economic recovery was indeed proceeding as well as he has been suggesting. Conversely, if he was just passing out a lousy piece of bubble gum (and no, I don’t mean the type that Paris Hilton seems to confuse … I mean real bubble gum), then all the reported success of the program might just be political spin.
I even had a plan to penetrate the defenses of the White House’s perimeter if the Secret Service had designs on restricting visitors that evening. I asked my wife, who is a tall blond, to dress in a red sari. I, in turn, was going to dress in a tuxedo, and the two of us were going to go as Michaele and Tareq Salahi. Hey, they got into the President’s first State Dinner that way. Who knows? It might have worked for us as well. Besides, the costumes would at least be appropriately “scary” to Washington insiders!
Alas, no disguise was needed as the President and the First Lady graciously greeted visitors … at least until the paparazzi left. Much to my chagrin, there was to be no portent of economic indicators that evening. Only the balance of power was on display for all to see. By that, I mean that the pecking order appears to be the First Lady … followed by the President of the United States. You see, the President and First Lady were handing out dried fruit. Dried fruit! It apparently had something to do with the First Lady’s quest to resolve childhood obesity in our country; a laudable goal, but certainly not the equivalent of allowing the President to send a clear and convincing message to our citizens concerning the success of his economic initiatives. Besides, it really didn’t satisfy my sweet tooth. I was hoping for the best of both worlds: to score a full size candy bar to satisfy my craving; and to receive strong evidence of our economic recovery. But nooooooo! All I got was some dried fruit!
Washington, D.C., is apparently turning into another San Francisco … which, days later, officially banned Happy Meals. Our Nation is apparently in decay … or perhaps trying to avoid it from a dental perspective when it comes to candy. First it was candy; then it was toys. Where will government intervention stop? What’s next to destroy “childhood” as we once knew it? No presents at Christmas? We’re already not allowed to display trees or to sing carols except under cloak of darkness.
Hang on a second … I’ve got some dried fruit caught in my teeth.
Okay, I’m back!
Well, the answer came just days later … and in resounding fashion. “We, the People” spoke. We’re apparently tired of getting dried fruit on Halloween! Sometimes it takes an issue of that magnitude to wake up the American public. On November 2nd, the electorate spoke, and the President and his cronies had to listen … well, at least the cronies who still had jobs in Washington, D.C., or in their State or local assemblies.
Luckily, while the vast majority of voters expressed a whole new wave of “Change You Can Believe In,” we retained a modicum of the status quo. Many of us remained “uninformed” and only voted on emotion.
Case in point: the incumbent Congressman from the 4th District of Georgia was reelected by a 76% to 25% percent margin. Impressive! Equally impressive: this is the same Congressman who thought Guam might “tilt over and capsize” if we built a naval base on one end of it (visit http://vimeo.com/10644839 to experience the intellectual capital that’s assessing our 1000+ page bills).
California joined in the action as well … and on several levels. First of all, many of its voters were too stoned to vote “Yes” on Proposition 19 to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. When they regained a degree of lucidity, they must have been saying “Bummer, dude!”
Then, California voters elected Democrat Jenny Oropeza to the State’s 28th Senate District. She defeated Republican John Stammreich by a 57.8 to 36.3 percent margin. My congratulations go to Jenny in spirit, and my sincere thoughts and prayers go to her family and friends. You see, Senator Oropeza unfortunately passed away two weeks before the election. Of course, that just may have extended her base to include all the dead people who traditionally register and vote in California elections.
While John Stammreich may have run an ineffective campaign, he wasn’t alone. California’s most prestigious elections involved two women who enjoyed enormous notoriety: Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman. Both enjoyed distinguished records of success in the “Old Boys’ Club” known as “Big Business.” Surely, they would bring a refreshing and pragmatic view to a State whose economy had been decimated over the years by politicians who apparently thought that Proposition 19 had already passed. To make it even easier, they were running against Green Party candidates, Barbara Boxer and Jerry Brown, respectively.
What? You say that Barbara Boxer and Jerry Brown were running as Democrats. Well sure they were running as Democrats, but they really had to be considered to be members of the Green Party. I mean, can you think of two candidates who were more “recycled” than these two?
True to her name, Barbara “Boxer” won a split decision over a “game” but inexperienced opponent in Carly Fiorina. Fiorina fell behind on points and didn’t try for a knockout when she needed one to win. Boxer “cut” Fiorina in the middle rounds with ads that emphasized Fiorina’s dastardly tour of duty as CEO of Hewlett Packard during which she cut jobs and “shipped them overseas.” Rather than fighting back by explaining that those cuts were necessary to remain competitive as well as to expand HP’s global business, Fiorina just keep taking Boxer’s political punches. She easily could have pointed out that at least she had to make those kinds of decisions, while Boxer had been comfortably padding her record with 28 years of ineffective service. It would have been a more interesting match had Fiorina asked two questions: “Tell us Barbara, can you name 28 significant accomplishments you have achieved in your 28 years as a Senator?” … and “Barbara, just out of curiosity, what job do you think a Fortune 10 company would deem you to be qualified to perform?” Boxer’s silence would have been deafening, and I personally think a referee would have had to stop the bout to prevent Boxer from absorbing any more unnecessary punishment.
That brings us to the Gubernatorial race. In the last Presidential election, Californians thought John McCain was “too old” to lead our Nation. So, could there be any doubt that a 71 year old Jerry Brown wasn’t going to be linked to Lady Gaga as he was “back in the day” to Linda Ronstadt?
Interestingly enough, Jerry Brown’s ads were virtually devoid of any reference to the Democratic Party other than in their fine print. Immediately below his name, they proclaimed his “independence.” In several of his ads, he stated that at his age, he can finally exercise “independent judgment” … giving credence to the fact that he was just a Party “puppet” since he began his political career in 1969; the same year that Man first landed on the moon and Ted Kennedy was still learning to drive.
He did run what I thought was the most effective campaign ad I’ve seen in years: the Twins ad that tied Meg Whitman to Governor Schwarzenegger (whose was polling high “negatives”) by mirroring their campaign phrases and finishing her off with her head superimposed on Danny Devito’s body in the famous movie poster. Very clever … and high marks to Governor Brown’s marketing team! Meg Whitman’s response? An ad that featured a dour Meg Whitman, emotionlessly saying something alone the lines of “I know I’m a billionaire with no political experience and that you think you’ve got two poor choices for Governor … but I’m the lesser of two evils.” If Meg Whitman were a vampire, she’d drive a stake through her own heart! That level of stupidity deserves to lose … and did … by a lot.
And speaking of vampires, I can confidently say that Christine O’Donnell was unfairly maligned as a “witch.” As she self proclaimed, she is “not a witch.” I know. I was in Washington, D.C. on election night (and the next day) after O’Donnell had been handed her proverbial broomstick in a 17 point defeat … and not a single Senator or Congressman was turned into a toad. Had she actually been a witch, no one would have been safe.
Speaking of which … or is that “witch” (I get the two confused) … my wife and I did stop by former Speaker Pelosi’s office to see if she wanted any assistance in packing up her office, but she wasn’t answering her door. She apparently wasn’t feeling well. Staff members said that she felt like a House had fallen down upon her … and that she also couldn’t receive us because someone had stolen her ruby slippers.
Oh well, in the world of politics, as much as things seem to change … they also seem to stay the same. A contrite President boarded his plane for a 10-day swing through the Pacific rim as my wife and I boarded our commercial flight to return home. Conservative media fanned the flames of dissension by asserting that the President’s entourage was projected to cost $200 million per day, which seems like a ridiculously inflated number to me … particularly during these tough economic times. I’ll bet the President’s trip will barely cost a tenth of that (or $200 million total). Of course, perhaps the money could be spent more effectively. I mean … for $200 million, I might stop examining our political system and applying common sense to it, which in turn would spare our politicians from the inevitable embarrassment they suffer at the hands of the Common Sense Czar. Then again, $200 million might not be enough to get me to cease and desist. After all, I’m still a little bit miffed about not getting a candy bar at the White House on Halloween; so much so that I spited the First Lady by purchasing a Happy Meal at Reagan International before I boarded my plane to fly home.
*****
Copyright © 2010 T.J. O’Hara. To support viral distribution, this article may be copied, reprinted, forwarded, linked, or published in any form as long as proper attribution is given to the author and no changes are made.
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