Christmas has always been a challenging time of year. Friends and relatives ask you what you would like as a gift, and you don’t want to tell them for fear of sounding greedy. You’d really like something big and expensive, but that wouldn’t be politically correct, so you say, “I really don’t need anything” or, if you’re Miss America, “I just want world peace.” Come to think of it, that last one really isn’t such a small gift … it’s just difficult to wrap.
So, this year I decided to give this perennial question some serious consideration. I actually lean toward the Miss America answer, but I’m not currently in a position to contribute to the solution in a meaningful way. I’m also fairly certain that my friends and family (well-meaning though they are) are also not equipped to help us make significant progress toward that goal.
Then, it hit me! Hey, why not just buy a Senate seat? I understand they’re for sale … at least in Illinois … and I only need one.
Think about it: this would put me in a position to actually impact policy and possibly bring rational thought to the Legislative branch of our federal government. For the most part, you don’t have to be very intelligent … nor do you have to be in touch with reality. The more I thought about it … the more I realized it might work.
Looking at today’s Legislative branch, I’d have to work hard to “fit in.” After all, I was raised to value a dollar … even if it wasn’t mine. I’d have to throw out that philosophy since there apparently isn’t a nexus between allocating tax dollars and getting a real return for the investment. You just have to “feel good” about spending money frivolously in the spirit of “doing it for the people.” Never mind that the people may think you’re a loon; enough of them won’t … and they’re the people you can fool into voting for you for another term.
Speaking of which, one of the best benefits you have as a Senator is the ability to be employed for life. Apparently, you can call your constituents “racists” or “red-necks” with impunity. You can even be convicted of fraud and still run for re-election. How cool is that?
You even have a separate retirement program (funded by tax dollars) to protect you from the decisions you made that cause the Social Security system to fail (hopefully, after you’ve retired from office so you won’t have to share in the blame).
You can be a multi-billionaire and claim you are “for the poor” … although a sizable charitable donation may have actually helped them more than your rhetoric. You can associate with whomever you want and deny that you really know them … regardless of how much they influenced you or may have contributed to your campaign. You can demonstrate a lack of faithfulness to your family … or to the country … and still be revered by the public. You can even abandon telling the truth as long as you can establish “plausible denial.”
Yes, I’d have to overcome a lot of the values that were instilled in me when I was growing up, but if I can do that, I can become a Senator.
So, how much would it cost? Would I have to get several friends and family members to “go in together” on my gift? I wasn’t sure, so I did some research.
It seems if you’re from a famous family, you can be anointed with the position. Unfortunately, I wasn’t born into political royalty, so the gift route seems to be the best path to pursue.
I read that President-elect Obama raised $745 million during his marathon campaign and had $30 million dollars left when the election was over. All that money for a job that pays $450 thousand a year … but they do throw an awesome house into the deal (although it only comes in one color). Now, I’m not sure what D.C. real estate is going for these days, but that’s a heck of a house. Let’s say it’s worth $50 million (including the free gardening). While you don’t get to keep it, you could look at it as an additional $6.25 million in compensation over the eight years you might hold the office. If you divide the $715 million President-elect Obama spent to be elected by $6.7 million (i.e., his salary and the house), it looks like you have to spend about 107 times the value of the position to get elected.
Now, I know we’re not talking about the Presidency. As a Senator, you probably only have to promise about half as many things you can’t deliver as a presidential candidate does, so I figure a Senate seat might only go for half that “107 times” ratio. Rounding it down, because this is a straight cash deal, I think we should be able to get it done for about 50 times the salary. Since a Senate seat pays $169,300, the going rate to buy one is probably around $8.5 million.
Wow! That’s a little more than I had in mind. I either need to make a lot of new friends, or I need to go back to saying, “I really don’t need anything.” I guess I’ll just continue to hope for world peace … and wish you all a Merry Christmas. On the plus side, I can say that because I’m not a Senator.
2008 (c) Dr. T.J. O'Hara
