In the spirit of the New Year and as the Common Sense Czar, I thought I’d offer some “common sense” resolutions for our political leaders and celebrity pundits. Since these are just proposed New Year’s Resolutions, the “honored” individuals may choose not to adhere to them … any more than they might be expected to adhere to any political promises they make that could effect their popularity. With that being said, I offer you the following “tweetable” resolutions:
President Obama: I resolve to take responsibility for my Presidency and not blame George W. Bush for anything!
Vice President Biden: I resolve to choose my words carefully and think before I speak.
Nancy Pelosi: I resolve to read bills before I vote on them … so I can know what’s in them.
John Boehner: I resolve not to allow my face to show any emotion … and to do so without the assistance of Botox.
Harry Reid: I resolve not to try to maneuver the Senate’s processes for my own political gain.
Mitch McConnell: I resolve to try to move bills through the Senate as expeditiously as possible and in a non-partisan manner.
John McCain: I resolve to maintain my youthful appearance by getting a darker spray tan this year.
Barney Frank: I resolve to sell my home to an unqualified couple and personally finance them with zero-down, interest-free loan.
Charlie Rangel: I resolve to build a huge legal defense fund as soon as I figure out the “ways and means” to avoid paying taxes on it.
Maxine Waters: I resolve to serve as a character witness for Charlie Rangel … should he ever need one.
Barbara Boxer: I resolve to actually do something during my new term other than writing another book and getting a loan from Countrywide.
Carly Fiorina: I resolve to run against a less-competent opponent … if there is such a thing.
Jerry Brown: I resolve to exercise independent judgment this time around and not pander to the unions.
Meg Whitman: I resolve to hire an American housekeeper and to give $150 million to California rather than waste it on a campaign.
Eddie Bernice Johnson: I resolve to promote scholarships among needy, minority students that aren’t related to me.
Timothy Geithner: I resolve to break all my ties with Wall Street and pay my taxes on time.
Rahm Emanuel: I resolve to return integrity to Chicago politics.
Hal Rogers: I resolve to lead the charge against earmarks!
Janet Napolitano: I resolve to protect the citizens of the United States by getting tough on illegal immigration and enforcing the law.
Alan Grayson: I resolve to write a book about the importance of maintaining diplomacy and class in politics.
Hank Johnson: I resolve to vacation on an island that can’t capsize.
Sarah Palin: I resolve to be a stay-at-home mom like God wants me to be.
Newt Gingrich: I resolve to follow George W. Bush’s lead and sit quietly on the sidelines.
President Carter: I resolve to only offer advice and opinions on what I know best … peanut farming.
President Clinton: I resolve to fade into the political background and concentrate on my role as a faithful and supportive husband.
President Bush (W): I resolve to openly and aggressively blame everything on the Democratically-controlled 110th Congress.
President Karzai (Afghanistan): I resolve to reject gifts from foreign governments.
President Ahmadinejad (Iran): I resolve to convert to Judaism.
President Gaddafi (Libya): I resolve to deliver a coherent speech to the U.N. in which I apologize to the United States for my arrogance.
President Zardari (Pakistan): I resolve to remain steadfastly loyal to my ally, the United States of America.
President Kim il-sung (North Korea): I resolve to bring stability and peace to the region.
Premier Wen Jiabao (China): I resolve to encourage the U.S. to become more fiscally responsible and Taiwan to pursue more autonomy.
President Hugo Chavez (Venezuela): I resolve to read the signed book that President Obama gave me and strive to emulate him.
President Medvedev (Russia): I resolve to block ratification of the START Treaty because it’s just too one-sided in our favor.
George Soros: I resolve to outspend Wall Street’s capitalist pigs who’re ruining our chance to become the United States Socialist Republic.
Glenn Beck: I resolve not to mix religion with politics … in honor of the First Amendment and my commitment to the ACLU.
Rachel Maddow: I resolve to report the nightly news in a straight and unbiased way unlike those fascist, homophobic pigs at Fox.
Bill O’Reilly: I resolve not to interrupt my guests … because otherwise, I would be a Pinhead!
Keith Olbermann: I resolve to “countdown” the minutes until I announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin ... and donate to her campaign.
Dick Morris: I resolve not to stare at Chris Matthews’ feet … even though they are really pretty.
Chris Matthews: I resolve not to get a thrill up my leg when Dick Morris compliments me on my shoes.
Sean Hannity: I resolve to stop throwing my Nerf football like a girl.
Alan Colmes: I resolve to stop allowing Fox News to use me as its token Liberal just because the pay is good and MSNBC doesn’t want me.
Juan Williams: I resolve to do charity work to raise donations for National Public Radio.
Lady Gaga: I resolve not to use political issues to attract attention just for the sake of gaining millions of dollars of free publicity.
Celebrities (in general): We resolve to get a degree and some real world experience before we act as if our political opinions matter.
Politicians with ghost-written books: We resolve not to pretend that we’re authors even though we’re used to pretending that we’re leaders.
The Common Sense Czar: I resolve to remain somber and serious rather than to view the world through a satirical lens.
Enjoy the New Year!
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To learn more about the Common Sense Czar and his books, The Left isn’t Right / The Right is Wrong and The National Platform of Common Sense, go to www.TheCommonSenseCzar.net.
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Copyright © 2011 T.J. O’Hara. To support viral distribution, this article may be copied, reprinted, forwarded, linked, or published in any form as long as proper attribution is given to the author and no changes are made.
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